Do You Want To Have Kids?

This question has been asked a lot throughout my life. As a child, I used to flat out say no. I hated children when I was a child myself. I was one of those children who knew too much at a very short age; so I couldn’t handle immaturity and ignorance. I said a lot in my childhood though and a lot of the most important things changed.

I grew up my entire life telling everyone that I didn’t want children and in part, I wasn’t lying. People that asked just thought and still think that it’s because I don’t like children as people. They think I wouldn’t want to take care of them or deal with their tantrums. This is not true. I’m actually pretty good with discipline and from experience with my nephews, know how to take care of children.

People forget that knowing how to keep a baby alive isn’t enough to qualify you for having one or wanting to have one. The truth is, I would never want to have a child being as out of control as I am. I don’t want to be anything like my mother was. I hate to admit it as much as the next girl but becoming my mother is one of my greatest fears. She doesn’t have a diagnosed disorder but I think if she were to see a psychologist they would give her a list.

As a child, my mother would pick and choose when she would be affectionate. She would often be dissatisfied with just about everything. She would often sit on our porch and just stare off into the distance with tears in her eyes. I would sit next to her and watch her. I felt inadequate, lonely and at times worthless. I found out very early that I was an unwanted pregnancy and seeing her reaction to me just made that cut much deeper. I was always really close to my oldest sister because she did the things that my mother was supposed to do. This did help but I never stopped wanting her to love me.

I don’t want to ever become that person and I can never lead myself to believe that I won’t be like that or worse. My depression is something that can completely take over me. I don’t want to have a baby and then have him/her watch me struggle with depression. It’s not fair. A child should never wonder if he/she is loved. A child should never wonder if their existence isn’t enough to keep you happy. The truth is, it isn’t. But a child should never know that.

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How People With Depression Think…

“I’m worthless”

“Nobody loves me”

“I’m never going to feel better”

“It’s like the world is out to get me”

“Please don’t cry, please don’t cry..sigh”

“I can’t live like this”

“I have to get up, get up, get up”

“Why can’t I be better”

“It’s all my fault”

“Why do I feel so empty?”

“Time to put on a happy face”

“My family’s never going to understand”

“My girlfriend/boyfriend will never understand”

“My friends will leave if I tell them how I feel”

“Why does it have to hurt so bad?”

“Maybe people would be better off without me”

“Why even take a shower? I’m just gonna stay in bed all day anyways”

“I’ll do it tomorrow”

“I’ve been feeling so good lately; maybe my depression is gone”

“I wonder if other people feel like this”

“I need something to take the edge off”

How People With Misophonia Think…

“I wonder who invented flip-flops. FUCKING ASSHOLE”

“I wonder who invented..FUCK…just chew with your mouth closed. Who raised you?!”

“I wish the world had a no gum chewing policy”

“Why can’t you just let the liquid come to you?!”

“Don’t sniffle, don’t sniffle, don’t…FUCK.”

“If that dog barks one more time!”

“This is never going to end. I have to go, have to go, have to go”

“Kill yourself. You’ll feel better”

“If he doesn’t stop, I’ll grab that pencil, jab it in his neck and then he’ll stop”

“Just breathe more quietly…PLEASE”

“Life sucks, life sucks. This is never going to get better”

“Why are you trying to talk to me while I have headphones in?”

“I love you but I will take your last breath if you don’t stop”

“I fucking hate you, I don’t know why I’m with you. You make every sound I hate.”

“If you love me, please stop”

“SHUT UP!”

“I wish I was deaf”

Prison or Prison: What it’s like to be in a mental hospital

“TRICKS”

The way I got admitted into the mental hospital, I feel as though it was a trick. They didn’t really explain to me what would happen if I said no to being admitted. I later found out that since I refused and the hospital got an order to admit me, they had the right to hold me there for pretty much as long as they wanted.

“COURT”

After day one, one of the youngest lawyers I could have gotten came into my room and told me that we were going to “court” later in the afternoon. He made sure to tell me that for the most part, this was a lost case for me. They would most likely say no to my request to only be there for five days. He was right. They were trying to have me there for at least 20 days and then have someone judge again to see if I needed to stay there longer. In the end, I bargained and got seven. It was less than 20 days but it still felt like a loss.

“THE DOCTORS”

The same day, I met up with my doctors and some interns they put in my face without asking me first. Mind you, you have the right to ask them to leave but given how I am, I will say they can stay even though I’m uncomfortable; but I digress. They asked me the question that I had been asked a thousand times. Then they tried to get me to open up about why I have depression. It was uncomfortable and utterly painful to say the least to sit there in scrubs and have a room full of people you don’t know ask you why you are the way you are. People that you know you won’t keep seeing. I hated the doctors and their assistants from the very beginning. I knew it wouldn’t be helpful but until I gave them what they wanted, I wasn’t coming out. I all but begged them not to this to me. I have spent most of my life not able to do the things I want and a lot of times prohibited from leaving the house. I told them that being locked away was torturous to me and would make me even more depressed because once again my freedom was taken away and that was part of the reason I was depressed. They didn’t budge and kept saying how helpful it would be. They also wouldn’t listen about my sound disorder something that is a big part of my life but they focused more on my depression and my anti-social qualities.

“Group Meetings”

The lawyer had mentioned before that going to group meetings would look good to them and they were more likely to let me out quicker if they just saw me socializing….because hey, a suicidal person has never killed themselves after going to a party…but again…I digress. These meetings didn’t start out torturous but they quickly began to be because people would take food in there and my sound disorder would never let me stay. Not to mention, you are in an unspoken way expected to talk about your feelings to strangers who live near you but aren’t bound by doctor patient confidentiality.

“The People”

At first, I was my normal anti-social self. I didn’t want to let the hospital win. I wanted them to see that I really didn’t want to be there and keeping me in there wouldn’t help me. But I quickly learned that they wanted to put check marks beside the boxes and If I didn’t let them, I’d never leave. I kept going back and forth about caring about whether I stayed there or not. I kept wanting to fight and then all that went away. So I started socializing  and found it to be relatively easy at first and then really really hard. I did make some “friends” though and they helped me keep a bit more sanity than I would have if I wouldn’t have made friends.

“The Environment”

People of all severity levels and all different disorders lived here. On this floor there was a schizophrenic, a person with anxiety disorder, a person with some type of obsessive disorder,  a person with depression and paranoia, autistic and the list goes on. Sometimes they would get violent, other times they would scream. The one thing I actually expected from a mental hospital didn’t happen. They never touched them or restrained them. Apparently, the law frowns upon restraining people but not upon locking them up. The unit has an isolation room but it is never used. Another not helpful thing about the hospital is that there was nothing to entertain yourself with. There was a tv, a ping pong table, and a piano(later broken by the schizophrenic). What we did for the most part was walk in a circle like rats. The first day I got there, I thought to myself “OMG, these people really are crazy”. I realized that this was pretty much their only source of entertainment.

“THE OUTCOME”

I learned how to better my acting skills, how to lie better and how much planning there will be when and if I try to kill myself again because I will never end up in a place like that again. It didn’t matter what I said, they had a person they saw and that was the person they were going to treat regardless what she wanted. I did learn some things and that is that: 1. You really see people for who they really are when you’re in a place like that. 2. Life in the country U.S.A doesn’t care about true freedom. No one that isn’t a harm to other people should be forced to live among people who are dangerous. 3. There are people out there like me who go through the same things I go through.

*It should be said that my experience in that mental hospital is my experience and it may be that other mental hospitals aren’t set up that way. I just find it hard to believe that they aren’t. *

What is it like to almost die?

This year I almost ended up killing myself. I took more than 100 pills of Tylenol. The intent when taking them was to be sick and be out for a couple of days and if death happened, I didn’t care; but they almost killed me.  I had an argument with someone and after I came home from work , I took them. A few minutes later, vomiting started. The vomiting would go on for close to ten hours before getting help. I refused to go to the hospital and since no one knew what I had done, no one forced me to go before.

I called an ambulance and the first thing that happened is police showed up. Since the 911 call involved someone who felt like she was overdosing, they sent cops to get a statement. This is by far the stupidest thing you can do to someone you suspect tried to commit suicide. Why? because they’re less likely to tell you the truth;but I digress. The ambulance showed up maybe 2-5 minutes after the cops and took me to the hospital after questioning everything about my life. I almost wish I would have pretended I was unconscious. The ride to the hospital and being in the hospital for the first day was like being in an interrogation room.

After they gathered what happened and figured out that they couldn’t pump my stomach, they proceeded to give me the “antidote” for the poison that is Tylenol in large doses. The next day I was moved to another hospital because they didn’t have a liver specialist and my liver was in pretty bad shape. It was still a surprising turn of events for me because while I had violent vomiting, I didn’t feel any other pain which I was expecting after I read what that type of overdose makes you feel like. I was fatigued, vomiting and just felt malaise…but no pain. It didn’t feel all that serious.

In the days that followed, my health would go up and down. I felt okay one hour and exhausted the next, then hungry but when I put food in my mouth I didn’t want it. My liver however only seemed to get worse. The poor little thing was dying and the enzyme levels just kept rising. The antidote wasn’t working at all and they were afraid at the rate that I was going, I was going to need an entire new liver. After about day 3-5 they made me talk to someone who would set up the process for liver transplant shall it come to that. They also made me choose a person to decide things for me should the poison start to go to my brain. At that point it was surreal, I still didn’t care if I died or not, but it was crazy to me how close to death I was.

In the days that followed, I would see a psychiatrist pretty much every day and that annoyed the living shit out of me. She wanted to get something out of me that she never would. She also kept bringing up the fact that they would probably force me to go to a mental hospital after I got better physically. I was not aware that you could be forced into a mental hospital if you weren’t a danger to others. Being in that hospital for as long as I did were the most depressing times of my entire life. I felt sick, tired, the person I wanted the most wouldn’t come see me and I had someone tell me that my life was not my own. They let me know that with the flick of a pen they could decide my fate.

I never had more suicidal thoughts than when I entered that hospital. If someone were to ever ask me what it’s like to almost die? I’d say it’s hell on earth. Not because of the pain, but because you deciding you don’t care about your life puts you in the same category as people who hurt others. You find out just how free you really are.

How To Deal With Your Mental Illness

  • Be understanding

Understand your disorder, the reasons it may have developed, the fact that it affects other people and most importantly, it may never go away. The sooner you come to terms with it, the easier it will be for you to treat your illness as a necessary but not as a mandatory. There is a difference. Something that is mandatory has to be done because someone or something demands it. You want to do things because you deem them necessary, not anyone or anything else. You shouldn’t treat your disorder simply because you don’t want other people to judge.

  • Educate Yourself

A huge part of understanding your disorder is knowing what it actually is. Most mental illnesses do not have an exact why and don’t have an exact how when it comes to treatment. This still doesn’t mean you don’t have things to learn. Research outside and research within to figure out what role that disorder plays in your life.

  • Don’t use your illness as an excuse

You will have limits. There is no doubt about that. It doesn’t mean that it will limit your entire life or the people around you. It’s super easy to get lost in your head and forget that you’re not the only one with this and at the same time that not everyone has this. You cannot expect the entire world to cater to your disorder. It just won’t happen, so stop waiting for it. Ex. Not going to work because your depression is getting worse or is at a low. It’s okay if that happens a few times a year; but not all of the time. If it does, it means you’re not taking care of the illness and that is on you.

  • Have a support group outside family

Have a support group outside of your family. You know family will always be there but they won’t always understand every single aspect of your disorder. The only people that know what it’s like is people who have a specific illness. If you don’t want to physically meet these people, join support groups online. Some of the best are on Facebook.

  • Have a happy place

Whether physical or mental, you need a happy place. Having a mental illness is draining to say the least and being relaxed or at least keeping stress to a minimum can be really helpful in not relapsing. Stress is a trigger for a lot of problems; both physical and mental.

  • Have healthy relationships

If the person you are dating can’t deal with your mental illness, don’t try to make them; end it. If the person you are dating makes it a point to bring up your illness during fights, end it. It won’t work. Try not to date someone with the same mental illness as you. It’s counter intuitive. Ex. If you both have depression and end up in a low, who is going to help the other get back into a better mood? Illnesses aside, try to end relationships that give you a bad feeling; follow your intuition. Romantic relationships aren’t the only ones to worry about though. If you have other relationships that hurt you more than they help you, end them.

  • Love your mental illness

For whatever reason, some of us were given or earned mental illnesses. One thing is  almost always true about all mental illnesses; remnants of it will always exist. They can be a part of you as much as that teddy bear you still keep in adulthood even though you don’t play with it. The illness will give and take away. Love it for the things that it gives you.

Guide To Dealing With Mental Illness(Loved ones)

  • Be supportive.

Therapy and medication are effective but nothing is more effective than support in the long run. A person who is mentally ill is less likely to relapse if they know and feel that they have support(in whatever form it comes). Also, do not use your support as a weapon. In arguments don’t bring up the fact of how supportive you’ve been. It makes the point that unless you have something to gain, you won’t be supportive.

  •  Be gentle but firm.

One of the biggest mistakes made by loved ones when trying to deal with mental illness is to be “too soft” or “too hard”. It doesn’t matter what the illness is, the rule is the same. You need to set clear boundaries when it comes to give and take.You just can’t do it in a way that makes the person feel bad about themselves. One side can’t give more than the other, one side can’t have more respect and both sides can’t have different expectations. It won’t work. Now, that doesn’t mean have a fight about it(which is what most people do). It means neither of you should put your happiness on hold because one side can’t handle the mental illness. Voice your real expectations without lashing out.

  •   Don’t victimize

Do not let the person that is ill become a person that you see as a victim. Yes, this isn’t their fault and they shouldn’t be treated like it is. No, that doesn’t mean they’re not still accountable for what they do. If they become a victim in your eyes, you will attempt to give them all that they want, you will let them get away with anything and you will become unhappy. In the end you will blame them for something you let them get away with. Separate the illness from the person.

  • Don’t jump to medications/getting help

Another huge mistake loved ones make is assuming that everything can be solved with medication and treatment. Sometimes a bad day is just a bad day. If after an argument or a familiar behavior you ask them if they took their medication or if they have seen their doctor is like telling them that you only want the person they are when they are in treatment. Again, separate the person from the illness. Talk to John, Alice or Paul. Don’t talk to Depression, Bipolar Disorder or PTSD. Some times their illness has nothing to do with their current behavior.

  • Frustration is mutual

Most people with a mental illness figure it out as they go. They have to figure out what medications work for them, what psychologist or psychiatrist they like, what actions are part of their illness and what actions are just things they did wrong. They constantly have to evaluate themselves. Sometimes, they can’t. Understand that they can be just as clueless as you about how they really feel.

  • Make a haven

Being the loved one of someone who has a mental illness is hard. Sometimes they will drive you up the wall because you can’t help them, understand them or harshly put, you don’t want to understand why they are the way that they are all of the time. Find a haven. A physical place or place in your mind  that you can go to when you’re frustrated because if you don’t, you’ll just end up taking it out on them or keeping it in until it explodes.

  • Educate yourself

The more you know about the illness, the less likely you are to make these mistakes. That doesn’t mean go google and read every single article ever written. The best thing you can do is talk to other people who have this disorder. There are loads of threads online as well as support groups in real life that you can go to.  Reading about the symptoms and causes of a disorder is all good and great but it won’t tell you all you need to know. Fatigue doesn’t just mean they will feel sleepy. It could mean, they might not want to get up at all, it could mean they might fall asleep randomly because of how little sleep they’re getting. The devil’s in the details.