Christmas 2015

How was your Christmas? Do you ever wonder why it’s called Christmas but it rarely is about Christ? Did you stuff your face? What did you eat? Do you even talk to your family? All questions I want to know.

Now, my Christmases have never been that great. However, last year I spent Christmas and New Years laying in bed with my girlfriend and even though I’m a dance at a party type of girl…that for me was heaven. This Christmas I am alone. It sucks. I keep thinking back to that Christmas and I want that life back. But since that’s not really an option, all I can have is family and friends. In Dominican/Latin culture, our day to celebrate really is the 24. We call it “Noche Buena” or “Good Night”….which is ironic because we don’t sleep. I digress and I tell you that we did not do family dinner on this day. It was a bummer because everyone was posting pictures and celebrating while I was at home by myself. We had planned it for the 25th because we thought we would have to work but it turned out that we didn’t. The plan was for the 25th and we stuck to it. It was nice.

This year we all stuck to the plan(for the most part). It was a nice change from over the years. The dinner was always late, it took hours to open up the presents, some people arrived hours from the expected time and some people were left pissed(myself included). This year we ate at american time(we usually eat around 9 pm) and everyone was dressed and ready by 7.

The children were another story. I have two sisters and a brother. My sisters each have two boys and my brother has a girl. I can’t really remember the age discrepancy but I know the girl is not the oldest but she’s the most mature. The boys just would not listen. I get irritated by children rather easily. I probably shouldn’t say that. I should say I get irritated by children who have bad habits.

Overall, it was a good day. My siblings liked their presents. The kids liked their presents. For better or worse, this year my presents weren’t horrible. The food was good. My anxiety level was moderate, my depression was low and Misophonia didn’t really present herself. There was background sound and my siblings ate at the dinner table. I ate in the living room with the kids and my brother. It was such a nice change. Hopefully we can repeat it next year if I make it through another year of this life xD

Merry Christmas People!

 

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Miso Diaries: 1

I was debating on whether or not I would post about this incident but obviously I will. Haha.

Let me set the scene for you. I am at work wondering what I ever did to deserve my life…also, how many units I have to do per minute to leave early. Out of necessity, I go to the area where a “friend” of mine is working and she asks me to go over. She wants to tell me some funny joke that I being so far away didn’t hear. I immediately notice she is chewing gum. She is one of few people who is able to trigger my disorder visually. I tell her from a little far away to stop chewing gum while she tells me or to tell me later. The joke is not important enough for me to go through the pain of being triggered. Instead of saying “I’ll tell you later” or “Ok, hold on”, what I get is jokes and telling me to stop being sensitive. I tell her I’ll leave if she doesn’t stop ’cause I just cannot. She proceeded to not pay attention so I start to walk away…

… her response to me walking away was to chew her gum obnoxiously louder. In general, I try not to explode. At work especially, I try not to explode. She hit that perfect CTRL+ALT+DELETE in me. All sense of care went out of the window. In typical Dominican fashion, I snapped. I called her every name in the book and since the work area is relatively noisy, I didn’t make a scene. She was laughing as if I was joking. After it ended, she didn’t talk to me for the remainder of the day. In my head I’m thinking “If she apologizes, I might give her another chance”. When she doesn’t approach me, I tell a mutual friend about what happened and she lets me know that SHE is waiting for me to apologize. At this point, I am baffled. She knows about my disorder, she knows it really affects me, she laughed in my face and triggered my disorder and my anxiety and I need to apologize?

Then I remembered who I am. Early in the “friendship” I realized that there were some things she did that didn’t quite work for me. I ignored them, I worked around them and I kept it moving. I ALWAYS do that with people. They have to REALLY fuck up in order for me to completely let go. In general, she would do things that would annoy me because of my anxiety and also because they were just selfish. I feel like I need to provide examples so that you’ll know.

  1. Many times when we would go out, I would pick her up. She would go to a party with my other friend and I, be very excited and then maybe 2 hours into it, she would want to go home. I’d have to drive her home or stand her long face all night.
  2.  We were going shopping to a city nearby(about 35 mins away) and my friend and I waited for her(after having planned this out). First thing she does is ask if she can eat in my car. Yes, by all means….put me in a confined space to trigger me. Music is not even an option because I have to listen to the gps.
  3. She would have some beef with someone we both know and expect me to completely cut off ties with them. Obviously that’s a tricky situation but I shouldn’t be expected to drop everyone off just because you have a problem with them.

The way she sees the world and her relationships with people is skewed in my opinion and it’s something that I always ignored. I’m just glad she’s not my friend anymore. No more being triggered and taking it simply because she can’t be considerate.

Kryptonite

While answering a comment on my blog, I thought I’d talk a bit more about my problem when it comes to handling my depression and anxiety. I’m a very hard person to comfort and it’s kind of always been that way. I used to love physical affection as a child. I equated hugs, kisses, caresses with love. Not that far into my childhood I realized that my parents never did those things and also, it didn’t really mean that they loved me or didn’t. I stopped wanting physical affection from my family because it stopped meaning something to me. I still cringe when my sisters make the “I’m gonna hug/kiss you now…face”. That being said, it doesn’t mean I stop wanting physical affection which is just dumb, I know…but I just wish that I could equate it again with love and I just can’t.

However, there are other ways people usually get comforted. Words of kindness, compassion and understanding usually do the trick too…for most people. Not for me. Any time I’ve ever tried to explain anxiety, depression or misophonia to someone…they draw a blank face. You can’t understand something you don’t have, at least not entirely. It will just never happen. The way a person with a mental or neurological disorder experiences things is different even among people who share the disorder. I am naturally a very logical thinker and an emotional do-er. This is not a productive combination. My brain goes “You don’t really have a reason to live. I’ve looked for one and there just isn’t a good enough reason” and my heart will go…”well, there’s these pills…leave it up to destiny whether you stay alive or not”. WTF

I always cringe and steer away from the psychiatrist/therapist route. Why? because here’s the thing: They are not there as your friends. The doctor to patient relationship will always be

1. They listen and rarely make comments.

2. They don’t really offer actual advice, just kind of comment on how your fucked up childhood could have contributed to this.

3. They will try to change your behavior as if it’s a switch you can slowly turn off and it will never turn back on like a an uninvited ghost.

4. Even though they’re not allowed to judge you, you can feel the judgement.

5. The fact that you need to go to one can be detrimental to your self-esteem(depending on who you are).

6. They have never said anything I don’t already know. Like I said, I’m very logical but I can’t tell the part of my brain that sends me emotional responses when there shouldn’t be any….to shut the fuck up.

In order for me to feel happy, I need to feel genuinely loved. I need to feel equally loved by EVERYONE. That’s a problem but that is how my feelings process. A doctor cannot love me in the way that I need them to in order to make me feel better. My family can’t do that either. A romantic partner hasn’t been able to do that. I need to be in a relationship with someone who is as relentless as I am to get past my problems and there just hasn’t been anyone.

It is asking for too much but I’ve always been an all or nothing kind of girl. Give me love or give me death should be my motto. haha But enough about me….anyone feel the same about psychiatrists/psychologists?

Unapologetic & Lost

All my life it’s felt like I’m constantly running but not actually going forward. I was the kid who worried more than others, who was always just a little sicker. I was always the “smarter one” and the “prettier one”. I was always the caring kid but also the girl who loved to see dead things. See how that doesn’t go together. It’s like when I was being made, someone threw a whole bunch of things together and said “there, that’s a person”. Nothing that I am really goes along with each other.

It didn’t really matter how smart I was, if I at the end of the day my lack of motivation cost me my grades. It doesn’t matter how good I am at languages if I suck at communicating. It doesn’t matter how mature I’ve always been if my dad telling I’m worthless still gets to me.

I recently nearly had another one of what I call my breakdowns. So far, I’ve only had one and that was public. The most recent almost breakdown has been relatively private. It just all fell on me and I realized how fucked up my life has been. I am I dug really deep and ask myself what am I trying so hard for? I am the kid that never raised her voice at her parents, who tried to get good grades, who hid her debilitating mental illness for someone else’s comfort, who is signed up for pretty much anything that will help better someone else’s life(blood/bone marrow donor), who hasn’t had unplanned children, who does extremely corny things for people and who doesn’t do drugs(yet)…yet…  I am alone.

All I wanted to do this week was have a little fun and then finalize my application into technical school. But no, instead: I’m told that without the school having seen my father’s tax  information and verified it, I can’t get in. Then, I ask my dad if I can get a cat(he had said yes to that previously) but when asked again, he said no. It would have probably helped my depression a lot but he said no. Then, I go to a party and I stay out pretty late(I work 6 days a week, so parties are not really a habit of mine) and when I come home my father starts telling me I’m a bad daughter and saying he does all these things for me but I do nothing for him because I was sleeping and didn’t answer his phone call. He was having car trouble and called/texted me. I’m a deep sleeper. He knows this. There’s no way I was waking up.

I’m never going to go back to the place where I feel less than because I’m insane. It’s just not going to happen. It’s not part of my thought process. I will admit though, I don’t know what to do with my life and what I have. There are people in worse situations than mine but I can’t deal with mine. I can’t deal with what I’ve gotten or what I will get. All I want to do is go to school, live alone but in this country my parents still have a say in if I get to have a life of my own or not. I’m stuck in a vicious circle. I don’t know what to do anymore.