Addiction is fake?

Every day at work I experience conversations with people that I’d rather not have. I work with people that have opinions and ideas about the world that are so different from mine we should end up fighting every day. I steer off having real conversations with my co-workers. Yes, I agree that sounds snobbish but it’s not. The people I work with are not very open minded; they’re not particularly impossible to be around, just not people you want to sit and talk philosophy with.

Today while having a very nice and simple conversation we veered off and started talking about addiction and addictive qualities. The person I was talking to said they don’t believe addiction is real. They said addiction is all in the mind. My mind was blown. The basis for his argument is that he isn’t addicted to anything. He smokes weed, drinks and has done drugs but he says he could stop any time he wants and he has. Now, I do get a little bit of where he is coming from but knowing people who have addiction…I know you can’t just motivational speak your way out of it. Nonetheless, I didn’t argue it with him and just kept working. When someone has a view like that, you’re not going to change it.

I know addiction to be a real thing because…well…science. I have also witnessed it. Your body gets so dependent on a substance that not having it could kill you. I know this to be true but google is my best friend so I decided to google the definition of addiction. This is what the American Society of Addiction Medicine had to say:

“Addiction is a primary, chronic disease of brain reward, motivation, memory and related circuitry. Dysfunction in these circuits leads to characteristic biological, psychological, social and spiritual manifestations. This is reflected in an individual pathologically pursuing reward and/or relief by substance use and other behaviors. Addiction is characterized by inability to consistently abstain, impairment in behavioral control, craving, diminished recognition of significant problems with one’s behaviors and interpersonal relationships, and a dysfunctional emotional response.”

This is a short response but we get the gist of it. The website also says that 50% of the likelihood that someone will become addicted to something has to do with genetics. The other 50% has to do with environment. While I knew addiction has a lot to do with genetics, this puzzles me. I had the perfect environment to develop an addiction and the genetics but I have never been addicted to anything(except people). On my mother’s side my uncles are all alcoholics and drug addicts. One died, one is homeless and the other deals but is still affected by his addictions. On my father’s side, the alcoholism is a real problem. It’s something no one talks about but every one knows.

I feel very lucky today for two reasons: 1. I have a wide range of experiences so I will likely never be that guy and 2. I will never know what it’s like to go through the withdrawal of a hardcore drug. My best wishes to people who deal with addiction on a daily basis.

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Winter this way comes…

As most of the U.S. now knows….the east coast is going to have a bad weekend. I live in the east coast. Thankfully, I live towards the bottom of Pennsylvania so nothing ever hits us as hard. The weather “authorities” are saying random inch predictions but either way a lot of jobs are letting their workers stay home or do half their shift because of how severe of a snowstorm we’re expecting. I don’t work weekends anymore(thank the gods). So before this whole winter fiasco started I decided to get a tattoo. Random right? Not really. I’ve wanted more tattoos for ever but lacked the motivation to get them. Then I had this conversation with my friend…

Friend: I want a tattoo.

Me: Me too. I just haven’t found motivation plus a place to get it done at that won’t take an arm and a leg.

Friend: I know where we can get it done.

Me: Cool. When and where?

Friend: 10 minutes away. Friday.

Me: OK.

That simple. It usually takes more convincing. I didn’t ask many questions but in my head I asked a million and answered them myself. It was nice to be there for her first tattoo and also experience one of the worst pains in my life. Sternum tattoos really do hurt as much as they say. Some areas are tolerable and others require extreme concentration to not move. It felt like being slowly examined by a scalpel. The entire time I kept thinking about how ironic it was that I was doing this. I knew the tattoo would be painful, I kept thinking I wouldn’t be able to finish it and then I did. Sort of like life. Life is going to be the most painful thing I ever experience but if I ever decided to end it, it would be because I gave up not because I couldn’t handle the pain if that makes any sense. Gave me a new perspective…I’m stronger than I thought.

Happy Snow Days!

 

 

 

 

Remember this…

I don’t remember much
Conversations and obsessions don’t rank the same
I remember the first suicidal thought
Not the first fruit I tasted
I remember the first time I cried
Not the first time I said I love… and meant it
I don’t remember much
I’m afraid I cannot change it
but the fear comes from not knowing the difference
between minutes and seconds
I don’t see the blank stares
The amount of hours spent in bed
The cooked food in the trash
The internet history full of written goodbyes
Truth is I remember a lot
Conversations and obsessions don’t rank the same
I remember the first time you looked at me
I don’t remember when you stopped
I remember being sad
I don’t remember being this lost

This is the end;

This week has turned out to be a week to remember. I called my ex and she left me crying on the phone. I left a party to go hang out with another ex. We’re friends now. I’m planning for my life(something I haven’t done in a while). There’s also the fact my dad wants me out of the house. Damn. There’s that.

I don’t remember a time when my dad wanted me to be near him really. When we got to the states he even used to tell my brother how much of a burden I was because I couldn’t monetarily pitch in to the household. When I wanted to work he refused so that he could get more taxes and go spend it with the person he cheated on my mom with, pay for her to go to school(when he didn’t even pay for mine). Then, when I start working and actually pitching in…it’s not enough and I’m a rebel. Ladies and gentlemen, meet my dad. The man makes as much sense to me as chemistry( I failed chemistry in high school).  I tried for years to get this man to love me, for many just to get along with him and nothing. He is the biggest mystery I have ever known.

People, friends and my family always ask me that if we don’t talk and we don’t get along…why do I live with him? The answer is as complicated as my sleeping schedule. One reason is that it’s comfortable. I don’t mess with his space and he doesn’t mess with mine. Two, I grew up with the “you don’t leave the house unless you’re married or really rich”. Obviously this mess of a person can’t get married and I need to do something extraordinary to be rich. Then, there’s also the fact that I wanted to have an okay relationship with him. At the end of it all, I wanted his cold stare that in his mind equaled a hug. I wanted the smirk of approval that only came once in a blue moon.

Today, he nearly exploded into smoke. He kept yelling about how much he gives me and does for me.  As I was hearing him talk, I saw more and more why I was bound to be as messed up as him. He and I both see what we want to see. The only reason I know I’m not in the wrong is because of the absurdity of his words. “I gave everything for you”. My father didn’t sacrifice anything. If anything(and I didn’t like her either) my grandmother gave everything for us. She arranged for us to come here for a better life. When we got here, my siblings gave most of their checks to keep the household running even though my father could have done it all on his own and let them go to school.

Today, I’ll spend it getting my stuff ready instead of sleeping. It’s gonna be a rough day at work but it’ll be worth it. If my sister says I can stay with her, I can probably move out by this week and I’ll never see him again. When I leave I have the certainty that he will need me. That’s the thing about my father…he never plans ahead. I help him with bills, I’m fluent in English(he is not) and most importantly I was the reason my siblings still talked to him or entertained his requests that he views as demands. It’s going to be an interesting few weeks. Since I already don’t treat my mother as my mother, this week…I’ll become an orphan. Yey. 🙂

 

 

The Good Dinosaur: Sanity Not Included Review

DISCLAIMER: SPOILER ALERT.

I just watched the movie “The Good Dinosaur”. It’s an animation movie that tells the story of a dinosaur who finds himself away from home and befriends a human who by the way caused his father’s death. At the very beginning of the movie I realized that the way I was going to interpret this movie was going to be very dumb. I was going to over-analyze it and see way more deeply and negatively than I needed to. It has to do with my current state of mind but also with my mental illnesses. I thought I’d share with you guys some of the things my mind thought were peculiar about this movie.

  1. This is our farm and we’re all gonna take care of it together

Thought: Child Labor.

Next thought: Why the fuck do dinosaurs need to farm? Shit kind of just grew back then. 

2. “When you kill that critter, you’ll put your mark on the wall, next to mine“.

Thought: That’s a hard metaphor for letting your kid know something or someone will always have to be below you in order for you to be above it. 

3. Arlo’s (dinosaur protagonist) dad dies within 20 minutes of the movie.

Thought: Animation movies cliche. Also, complete families don’t exist.

4.  40 minutes into the movie the dinosaur and the human eat a fruit that clearly makes them high. 

Thoughts: Why do animation movies always pretend the movies are for the little kids?

5. “You can’t get rid of fear”- T-rex 

Thoughts: Arlo seems to have general anxiety for most of the movie. While this quote is true…. YOU’RE A FUCKING T REX. You don’t have shit to worry about. He’s of the smallest of his kind, he has general anxiety and he eats plants. No matter what species, people hate vegans. Haha. 

6. Arlo’s human finds other humans that we can only assume are his family because how many cave people could there really be?

Thoughts: Arlo’s human has brown hair and his “family” has white hair and looks nothing like him. For all arlo knows, they will take him back to their house and eat him because with all this fucking rain during the movie, they probably had nothing to eat. 

7. Arlo’s mom gets excited to see him and runs after him to hug him. 

Thoughts: That would never happen if he was a Dominican dinosaur xD. She would question where he was at and THEN see if he’s not dying. 

Say Something…

I didn’t want you to leave just yet.
Not yet.

I wanted you leave me as I lay broken
Not as I was breaking
Do you get it?
Leave me for dead when I stop breathing
Not while I gasp for air

I needed you to stay
Till I wasn’t there to see your disappointment
Till I couldn’t see you didn’t love me

I always knew that my voice wasn’t enough to melt you
That my kisses weren’t enough to comfort you
My tears were just very distracting
My broken soul just had a way of getting to you

I saw it, I felt it and I lived it every day when I couldn’t control myself
I saw you slipping and I let you fall
I thought it’d be easier to pick you up

I didn’t want you to say you didn’t love me
I don’t even think love is what I wanted for us
A word doesn’t exist for what I want

I can tell you what I don’t want
I don’t want the silence
I prefer the screaming…just say something!
I guess that’s the problem love isn’t it?

You have nothing left to say.

Here comes one more year…

It’s really hard to pin point when the feeling of this year ending all by myself really stumbled in. I don’t know if it was when I realized I had no one beside me, when I had no one to really congratulate, when I thought of drinking myself to sleep or when I called my ex and she asked who it was…I said my name, she paused and hung up. I think it’s the last one. On the 31st I wanted to be strong. I wanted to have more of a blast than the average survivor of the christmas blues. I couldn’t. I wound up crying a lot that night and ended up thinking about suicide and I mean really thinking about it. It felt almost like that night when I swallowed all those pills. I didn’t want to actively do anything but if I died as a result of reckless driving or reckless drinking… I didn’t care.

It broke my heart to hear the only person I wanted to talk to hear my voice and push it away. After so much crying and guys, I mean so much crying…I picked myself up and lived another day. Don’t get me wrong, that ruined my night. I knew it would but I had been meaning to leave that voicemail that I know she would erase but my heart still told me she’d listened to. It somehow wouldn’t make it worse to know she listens to them and still doesn’t reach out to me. The silence is the worse for someone with anxiety. Give me something!

It wasn’t all bad but it was definitely the worse entrance into the new year that I’ve had in a lot of years. This unpleasant experience also got me thinking about how peculiar my depression is. Depression in general makes you concentrate on yourself but anxiety makes you concentrate on yourself AND the world. However, I don’t ever get depressed about things happening in the world. I’m that person that can see animals, humans or anything in physical pain and it won’t make a difference. My own pain or the emotional pain of others can get to me though. I thought about all of this because for reasons I mentioned in other posts, won’t be able to go to school. I think the military is the only logical choice I have left…if I’m allowed. There has to be a waiver for “depressed most of the time but not very likely to be depressed by famine and foreigners dying” right?

If the U.S. won’t take me, I know my birth country will. I keep thinking about how the military would affect me though and I just think it would give me purpose which is what I need right now. I’m very fast running out of reasons to keep myself active. The only thing that’s kept me alive all these years is my relentless hope but that relentless attitude is what made me lose her in the first place and what isn’t winning her back. I feel like that personality trait is being chipped away with every phone call she doesn’t answer. I hope others had a much better time. No one deserves to be alone in times like this.