A few months back, I had a breakup and had what I can now safely say was a mental breakdown. I would randomly burst into crying and would not even think about the social ramifications of crying in public. By the time I snapped, everyone was expecting me to. I ended up in the hospital and then a mental hospital. I felt okay while in both but when I got out, I felt like I got worse. I was obsessive over things I had no business being obsessive about. I couldn’t sleep, I experienced panic attacks for the first time ever, I left work because of mental health issues for the first time ever and I lashed out despite my entire being telling me that my reaction was irrational.
Today, right now….I feel all of that at once. I can’t stop thinking about what ended that spiral. I can’t stop myself from thinking about her and I want to make her talk to me like I tried that day. I want to ask her why out of all the people that did terrible things to her she can’t forgive me for being sick? I want to ask her if she still loves me but I don’t want her to answer. I want the silence to stop and I can’t do that. It’s like all these months I’ve been dealing and putting it off and now it’s all hitting me all over again. She’s gone. I’m alone. I’m sick and I’m not on medication. I keep thinking that I NEED to know the reason all those other people deserved her forgiveness and I didn’t.
But mostly, I just want to end it. I know for a fact that I won’t but the feeling that I need to is there. It’s so strange. There is no reason for me to be settling back into that mindset. What usually triggers my depression is feeling unloved and I have not started any new relationships, I no longer live with my toxic father and nothing has really changed in my life. It’s really hard when you don’t know why the hell you’re triggering yourself back into an abyss. I want some sleep but I know I won’t get it. In a few hours I’ll have to go to work. In a few hours, I’ll have to be smiley. But mostly, my brain won’t let me shut down.