I’m Sorry…Dad

I’m sorry.
That I wasn’t there to see your happy face when your new addition to your list of possessions was born
I heard I made it to your unreachable pedestal

Oops…I forgot
To thank you for the many hugs I went for that you denied me
The times I tried to sit on your lap and you didn’t let me

Thank you for stopping your drinking obsession and your hitting my mother obsession before I was born…not sure I would have let you

Forgive me, for not understanding why you would push people away and keep me in a glass cage that you’d throw on the ground to break

I apologize for being too quiet, too reserved
All those child activities you didn’t allow me to go to really should have helped.
For being too mature
All those conversations you had with your girlfriend about wanting to get rid of me just kind of toughened me up

No but really dad, I am sorry.
I’m sorry you’ll never hear me tell you the truth.
I still love you anyways.


I’m Sorry…Mom

I’m Sorry.
When you told me you didn’t want to have any more babies but you had me anyways….
I should have been grateful

Knowing that I fell head first onto concrete and you didn’t take me to the hospital for fear of my father
I should have been understanding

Sitting on the porch crying and letting me watch
I should have grown up a little faster

Making my sister my mother because you didn’t have any real affection for me
Was unfair

Getting mad at you for getting drunk and leaving me in a city without protection
Was your way of being selfish for once

Calling me to tell me about your depression and making me your spy was your way of connecting
I should have noticed, I’m not the only child without a functioning mother

I am sorry…that I can’t love you anymore.

Nervous Breakdown 2.0

A few months back, I had a breakup and had what I can now safely say was a mental breakdown. I would randomly burst into crying and would not even think about the social ramifications of crying in public. By the time I snapped, everyone was expecting me to. I ended up in the hospital and then a mental hospital. I felt okay while in both but when I got out, I felt like I got worse. I was obsessive over things I had no business being obsessive about. I couldn’t sleep, I experienced panic attacks for the first time ever, I left work because of mental health issues for the first time ever and I lashed out despite my entire being telling me that my reaction was irrational.

Today, right now….I feel all of that at once. I can’t stop thinking about what ended that spiral. I can’t stop myself from thinking about her and I want to make her talk to me like I tried that day. I want to ask her why out of all the people that did terrible things to her she can’t forgive me for being sick? I want to ask her if she still loves me but I don’t want her to answer. I want the silence to stop and I can’t do that. It’s like all these months I’ve been dealing and putting it off and now it’s all hitting me all over again. She’s gone. I’m alone. I’m sick and I’m not on medication. I keep thinking that I NEED to know the reason all those other people deserved her forgiveness and I didn’t.

But mostly, I just want to end it. I know for a fact that I won’t but the feeling that I need to is there. It’s so strange. There is no reason for me to be settling back into that mindset. What usually triggers my depression is feeling unloved and I have not started any new relationships, I no longer live with my toxic father and nothing has really changed in my life. It’s really hard when you don’t know why the hell you’re triggering yourself back into an abyss. I want some sleep but I know I won’t get it. In a few hours I’ll have to go to work. In a few hours, I’ll have to be smiley. But mostly, my brain won’t let me shut down.