Sleep Deprivation & Depression

I’m feeling it. I hate it. I hate feeling sleepy and feeling that gloomy feeling I know so well. It’s like that feeling that you get when someone you don’t know is walking behind you. Science can’t really explain it and I can’t really explain how I know I’ll be getting depressed soon(or already am) but I know. My room is starting to get messy again and partly that’s due to the fact that I’m tired all the time. If I had an illness whose only symptom was fatigue, I would die. Let’s just put it that way because being tired is like part of me. I don’t feel like I’ve had a good night’s rest since I came to this country. But anyways, back to the room situation. I can keep my room clean but most of the time now, I don’t. I don’t have the motivation to put things in their place, not to mention I like things to be laboratory clean or trash can dirty. Both satisfy me but depends on my mood.

My mood lately has been “fuck it” with a dose of “check everything”. So basically it’s like a person that litters and then goes back and picks it up. It’s very comical. I don’t know where I get like this from exactly but life is just stressing me out. I want to do things but I have no money for them and I have no career plan. I. The Planning Beast. Has. No. Career Plans. I still haven’t contacted an air force recruiter to see if the U.S. government would be so kind as to let me enroll. I read somewhere that a very low amount of the U.S. population is able to be in the military. This is mostly due to health conditions and health related problems that can’t be waived.

Anyways, I’m all over the place. I hope I can figure this out some time soon, so I can sleep.



I’m Sorry…Dad

I’m sorry.
That I wasn’t there to see your happy face when your new addition to your list of possessions was born
I heard I made it to your unreachable pedestal

Oops…I forgot
To thank you for the many hugs I went for that you denied me
The times I tried to sit on your lap and you didn’t let me

Thank you for stopping your drinking obsession and your hitting my mother obsession before I was born…not sure I would have let you

Forgive me, for not understanding why you would push people away and keep me in a glass cage that you’d throw on the ground to break

I apologize for being too quiet, too reserved
All those child activities you didn’t allow me to go to really should have helped.
For being too mature
All those conversations you had with your girlfriend about wanting to get rid of me just kind of toughened me up

No but really dad, I am sorry.
I’m sorry you’ll never hear me tell you the truth.
I still love you anyways.

I’m Sorry…Mom

I’m Sorry.
When you told me you didn’t want to have any more babies but you had me anyways….
I should have been grateful

Knowing that I fell head first onto concrete and you didn’t take me to the hospital for fear of my father
I should have been understanding

Sitting on the porch crying and letting me watch
I should have grown up a little faster

Making my sister my mother because you didn’t have any real affection for me
Was unfair

Getting mad at you for getting drunk and leaving me in a city without protection
Was your way of being selfish for once

Calling me to tell me about your depression and making me your spy was your way of connecting
I should have noticed, I’m not the only child without a functioning mother

I am sorry…that I can’t love you anymore.

Nervous Breakdown 2.0

A few months back, I had a breakup and had what I can now safely say was a mental breakdown. I would randomly burst into crying and would not even think about the social ramifications of crying in public. By the time I snapped, everyone was expecting me to. I ended up in the hospital and then a mental hospital. I felt okay while in both but when I got out, I felt like I got worse. I was obsessive over things I had no business being obsessive about. I couldn’t sleep, I experienced panic attacks for the first time ever, I left work because of mental health issues for the first time ever and I lashed out despite my entire being telling me that my reaction was irrational.

Today, right now….I feel all of that at once. I can’t stop thinking about what ended that spiral. I can’t stop myself from thinking about her and I want to make her talk to me like I tried that day. I want to ask her why out of all the people that did terrible things to her she can’t forgive me for being sick? I want to ask her if she still loves me but I don’t want her to answer. I want the silence to stop and I can’t do that. It’s like all these months I’ve been dealing and putting it off and now it’s all hitting me all over again. She’s gone. I’m alone. I’m sick and I’m not on medication. I keep thinking that I NEED to know the reason all those other people deserved her forgiveness and I didn’t.

But mostly, I just want to end it. I know for a fact that I won’t but the feeling that I need to is there. It’s so strange. There is no reason for me to be settling back into that mindset. What usually triggers my depression is feeling unloved and I have not started any new relationships, I no longer live with my toxic father and nothing has really changed in my life. It’s really hard when you don’t know why the hell you’re triggering yourself back into an abyss. I want some sleep but I know I won’t get it. In a few hours I’ll have to go to work. In a few hours, I’ll have to be smiley. But mostly, my brain won’t let me shut down.


Addiction is fake?

Every day at work I experience conversations with people that I’d rather not have. I work with people that have opinions and ideas about the world that are so different from mine we should end up fighting every day. I steer off having real conversations with my co-workers. Yes, I agree that sounds snobbish but it’s not. The people I work with are not very open minded; they’re not particularly impossible to be around, just not people you want to sit and talk philosophy with.

Today while having a very nice and simple conversation we veered off and started talking about addiction and addictive qualities. The person I was talking to said they don’t believe addiction is real. They said addiction is all in the mind. My mind was blown. The basis for his argument is that he isn’t addicted to anything. He smokes weed, drinks and has done drugs but he says he could stop any time he wants and he has. Now, I do get a little bit of where he is coming from but knowing people who have addiction…I know you can’t just motivational speak your way out of it. Nonetheless, I didn’t argue it with him and just kept working. When someone has a view like that, you’re not going to change it.

I know addiction to be a real thing because…well…science. I have also witnessed it. Your body gets so dependent on a substance that not having it could kill you. I know this to be true but google is my best friend so I decided to google the definition of addiction. This is what the American Society of Addiction Medicine had to say:

“Addiction is a primary, chronic disease of brain reward, motivation, memory and related circuitry. Dysfunction in these circuits leads to characteristic biological, psychological, social and spiritual manifestations. This is reflected in an individual pathologically pursuing reward and/or relief by substance use and other behaviors. Addiction is characterized by inability to consistently abstain, impairment in behavioral control, craving, diminished recognition of significant problems with one’s behaviors and interpersonal relationships, and a dysfunctional emotional response.”

This is a short response but we get the gist of it. The website also says that 50% of the likelihood that someone will become addicted to something has to do with genetics. The other 50% has to do with environment. While I knew addiction has a lot to do with genetics, this puzzles me. I had the perfect environment to develop an addiction and the genetics but I have never been addicted to anything(except people). On my mother’s side my uncles are all alcoholics and drug addicts. One died, one is homeless and the other deals but is still affected by his addictions. On my father’s side, the alcoholism is a real problem. It’s something no one talks about but every one knows.

I feel very lucky today for two reasons: 1. I have a wide range of experiences so I will likely never be that guy and 2. I will never know what it’s like to go through the withdrawal of a hardcore drug. My best wishes to people who deal with addiction on a daily basis.

Winter this way comes…

As most of the U.S. now knows….the east coast is going to have a bad weekend. I live in the east coast. Thankfully, I live towards the bottom of Pennsylvania so nothing ever hits us as hard. The weather “authorities” are saying random inch predictions but either way a lot of jobs are letting their workers stay home or do half their shift because of how severe of a snowstorm we’re expecting. I don’t work weekends anymore(thank the gods). So before this whole winter fiasco started I decided to get a tattoo. Random right? Not really. I’ve wanted more tattoos for ever but lacked the motivation to get them. Then I had this conversation with my friend…

Friend: I want a tattoo.

Me: Me too. I just haven’t found motivation plus a place to get it done at that won’t take an arm and a leg.

Friend: I know where we can get it done.

Me: Cool. When and where?

Friend: 10 minutes away. Friday.

Me: OK.

That simple. It usually takes more convincing. I didn’t ask many questions but in my head I asked a million and answered them myself. It was nice to be there for her first tattoo and also experience one of the worst pains in my life. Sternum tattoos really do hurt as much as they say. Some areas are tolerable and others require extreme concentration to not move. It felt like being slowly examined by a scalpel. The entire time I kept thinking about how ironic it was that I was doing this. I knew the tattoo would be painful, I kept thinking I wouldn’t be able to finish it and then I did. Sort of like life. Life is going to be the most painful thing I ever experience but if I ever decided to end it, it would be because I gave up not because I couldn’t handle the pain if that makes any sense. Gave me a new perspective…I’m stronger than I thought.

Happy Snow Days!





Remember this…

I don’t remember much
Conversations and obsessions don’t rank the same
I remember the first suicidal thought
Not the first fruit I tasted
I remember the first time I cried
Not the first time I said I love… and meant it
I don’t remember much
I’m afraid I cannot change it
but the fear comes from not knowing the difference
between minutes and seconds
I don’t see the blank stares
The amount of hours spent in bed
The cooked food in the trash
The internet history full of written goodbyes
Truth is I remember a lot
Conversations and obsessions don’t rank the same
I remember the first time you looked at me
I don’t remember when you stopped
I remember being sad
I don’t remember being this lost