Christmas 2015

How was your Christmas? Do you ever wonder why it’s called Christmas but it rarely is about Christ? Did you stuff your face? What did you eat? Do you even talk to your family? All questions I want to know.

Now, my Christmases have never been that great. However, last year I spent Christmas and New Years laying in bed with my girlfriend and even though I’m a dance at a party type of girl…that for me was heaven. This Christmas I am alone. It sucks. I keep thinking back to that Christmas and I want that life back. But since that’s not really an option, all I can have is family and friends. In Dominican/Latin culture, our day to celebrate really is the 24. We call it “Noche Buena” or “Good Night”….which is ironic because we don’t sleep. I digress and I tell you that we did not do family dinner on this day. It was a bummer because everyone was posting pictures and celebrating while I was at home by myself. We had planned it for the 25th because we thought we would have to work but it turned out that we didn’t. The plan was for the 25th and we stuck to it. It was nice.

This year we all stuck to the plan(for the most part). It was a nice change from over the years. The dinner was always late, it took hours to open up the presents, some people arrived hours from the expected time and some people were left pissed(myself included). This year we ate at american time(we usually eat around 9 pm) and everyone was dressed and ready by 7.

The children were another story. I have two sisters and a brother. My sisters each have two boys and my brother has a girl. I can’t really remember the age discrepancy but I know the girl is not the oldest but she’s the most mature. The boys just would not listen. I get irritated by children rather easily. I probably shouldn’t say that. I should say I get irritated by children who have bad habits.

Overall, it was a good day. My siblings liked their presents. The kids liked their presents. For better or worse, this year my presents weren’t horrible. The food was good. My anxiety level was moderate, my depression was low and Misophonia didn’t really present herself. There was background sound and my siblings ate at the dinner table. I ate in the living room with the kids and my brother. It was such a nice change. Hopefully we can repeat it next year if I make it through another year of this life xD

Merry Christmas People!

 

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Miso Diaries: 1

I was debating on whether or not I would post about this incident but obviously I will. Haha.

Let me set the scene for you. I am at work wondering what I ever did to deserve my life…also, how many units I have to do per minute to leave early. Out of necessity, I go to the area where a “friend” of mine is working and she asks me to go over. She wants to tell me some funny joke that I being so far away didn’t hear. I immediately notice she is chewing gum. She is one of few people who is able to trigger my disorder visually. I tell her from a little far away to stop chewing gum while she tells me or to tell me later. The joke is not important enough for me to go through the pain of being triggered. Instead of saying “I’ll tell you later” or “Ok, hold on”, what I get is jokes and telling me to stop being sensitive. I tell her I’ll leave if she doesn’t stop ’cause I just cannot. She proceeded to not pay attention so I start to walk away…

… her response to me walking away was to chew her gum obnoxiously louder. In general, I try not to explode. At work especially, I try not to explode. She hit that perfect CTRL+ALT+DELETE in me. All sense of care went out of the window. In typical Dominican fashion, I snapped. I called her every name in the book and since the work area is relatively noisy, I didn’t make a scene. She was laughing as if I was joking. After it ended, she didn’t talk to me for the remainder of the day. In my head I’m thinking “If she apologizes, I might give her another chance”. When she doesn’t approach me, I tell a mutual friend about what happened and she lets me know that SHE is waiting for me to apologize. At this point, I am baffled. She knows about my disorder, she knows it really affects me, she laughed in my face and triggered my disorder and my anxiety and I need to apologize?

Then I remembered who I am. Early in the “friendship” I realized that there were some things she did that didn’t quite work for me. I ignored them, I worked around them and I kept it moving. I ALWAYS do that with people. They have to REALLY fuck up in order for me to completely let go. In general, she would do things that would annoy me because of my anxiety and also because they were just selfish. I feel like I need to provide examples so that you’ll know.

  1. Many times when we would go out, I would pick her up. She would go to a party with my other friend and I, be very excited and then maybe 2 hours into it, she would want to go home. I’d have to drive her home or stand her long face all night.
  2.  We were going shopping to a city nearby(about 35 mins away) and my friend and I waited for her(after having planned this out). First thing she does is ask if she can eat in my car. Yes, by all means….put me in a confined space to trigger me. Music is not even an option because I have to listen to the gps.
  3. She would have some beef with someone we both know and expect me to completely cut off ties with them. Obviously that’s a tricky situation but I shouldn’t be expected to drop everyone off just because you have a problem with them.

The way she sees the world and her relationships with people is skewed in my opinion and it’s something that I always ignored. I’m just glad she’s not my friend anymore. No more being triggered and taking it simply because she can’t be considerate.

Holiday Meh…

A lot of people out there can relate to the holiday meh. There are two kinds of people in the world: those who love holidays and those who do not. I am part of the latter. Some people can’t wait for holidays but for the most part, they are just stress triggers for me. I have fond memories of Christmas as a child. We always had a Christmas tree(I got to decorate). We always had a feast worthy of gods(even being below the poverty line). It was a time of the year when you completely forgot who you were. In my culture, it’s like being in a whole different world. People are nicer, you get to eat food that you don’t eat any other time of year, you get to pick out new clothes to welcome the new year(not done in U.S.), you get to drink some amount of alcohol(even if you’re like six) and it’s just a good time….or so it should be.

I moved to the U.S. when I was 10 years old. I moved with my father and siblings. My mother couldn’t come because my parents weren’t officially married and she couldn’t be added to the people that could come with us. Stupid that they couldn’t find a way to add her but I digress. My first year without her was also the worst year of my life(probably). Christmas was always my shit. I loved everything about it but that year my sisters went partying, my dad stayed in his room as he usually did and my brother went to sleep as well. I was there, cold, tree-less and almost giftless, no mom, no friends….nothing. Ever since then, Christmas sucks.  As years passed, our family just grew more and more apart. My father cheated on my mom, my siblings started leaving the house, my depression got worse and I made some bad decisions.

Now, that aside…let’s talk about food. Food, candy, liquids and the fucking cold are things I hate about every holiday but especially the fall and winter holidays. I have Misophonia. I can’t deal with that shit. Everywhere I turn there’s a sniffling idiot who just won’t use a damn tissue. There’s that lady slurping her Starbucks coffee and saying “ahh” after every sip. There’s Christmas dinners that I don’t want to attend but do and cry after EVERY SINGLE TIME. It’s just a mess.

Holidays are that special time of the year when Misophonia, Depression and Anxiety all go: “It’s our time to shine”.

 

There Goes My Hope…

I was having a shitty day yesterday. Work was a bit annoying and I had to get up early after not sleeping well but I was determined to make it through. A few days ago, I enrolled in a technical school to become a medical assistant. On paper, it’s good for me. It has relatively stable hours, you wear comfortable clothing, alright pay and has opportunity for advancement. This is of course not taking into consideration my mental disorders and my neurological disorder.

When talking about it, the advisor asked about what might keep me from completing the program. I mentioned the usual(money problems) but I didn’t think about Misophonia…until today. Today, I went in to take the assessment that you need to take in order to actually be enrolled. It’s a simple test for math and reading. When I was told about it, I was nervous because I’ve always sucked at math, while I have always been great at language and literature. Anyways, the math doesn’t really matter for my chosen career; reading comprehension and such is more important.

I went in tired but not nervous because like I said, I’m really good when it comes to languages. I speak and write in two languages, had all A’s and B’s in school for such courses. Then…I saw where I was taking the test. It would be in a small room with the door closed. As soon as I got in there, the women in charge of the test was sniffling. She left and then came another sniffler in to take the test. I literally wanted to start to sob. I knew there was no way I could concentrate or think while hearing that. He used a tissue a few times but still kept sniffling.

Now, life has a way of sticking it to you. I passed with above average scores in math but failed the reading part. HOW FUCKED UP IS THAT?! I always had to re-take math classes in high school because it was something that I legitimately could not get through my head. I just couldn’t believe it when she told me that. What happened though is that I skimmed instead of immersing myself in the reading. I couldn’t read while he was sniffling. The math, I did the same thing with but I’ve realized that if you do educated guesses when it comes to multiple questions math tests, you usually get it right.

I was off the passing reading score by 5 fucking points. I walked out of there wanting to punch something and just sob myself to sleep. When starting to plan this out, I didn’t consider how significantly worse my disorder has gotten. I don’t think I can do this and that makes me feel like I’m underground running out of air. I don’t think I can sit 4 hours a day in a classroom for 50 minutes at a time.  There will be gum chewers, possibly food eaters, snifflers….and what am I going to do if there’s a test and there’s sounds in the room? What am I going to do if I’m drawing someone’s blood and they start to sniffle? I’m starting to think that I’ll never have a career because all I want to do requires people.

“I Just Have A Head-Ache”

When people are depressed, you often hear them say “I’m just tired”. I just realized recently that people with Misophonia have their own official quotes.  It’s really easy(in a way) to say you’re depressed because everyone knows what depression is. They may not understand it but the questions that follow can be answered in a timely manner and can be “understood”.

When you have Misophonia,  you can’t just say: “I have Misophonia”. They will ask what it is, how do you get it, what does it entail, is it real, is there a cure, is there a treatment and let’s not forget the age old disbelief that you aren’t kidding.  For this reason, most people prefer to just lie or deviate the question. I caught myself lying in order to not say I have Misophonia. Currently, I work in a warehouse environment. Here, no one has to wear earplugs because the place is nowhere near loud enough to mandate you wear them. You have to ask for one, should you want one.  Yesterday, I was being triggered a few times a minute(not exaggerating). There were a couple of people chewing gum who liked to pop their gums, people coming up to me to ask me questions chewing gum and being really close to my face. Almost needless to say, I was almost in tears.

I started messing up on my work and decided enough was enough. I asked a co-worker of mine to ask for earplugs because I had a headache. He got me earplugs and when I put them on, my body calmed down so much…it was incredible. However, throughout the night people kept asking me why I had earplugs on and all I could muster to say was that I had a headache….which wasn’t technically a lie. After being constantly triggered, I always get a migraine(without fail). I was always tempted to tell them about my disorder though. I will have to see these people pretty much every day. I think I’ll tell the people I talked to the most but I don’t know how to approach the conversation without looking crazy. It’s probably impossible but at least by telling them and them thinking I’m crazy, they’ll stay away from me and I’ll keep my sanity.

🙂

Misophonia Vs Sex

I’ve recently become very aware of my illnesses. I think about how they have developed over the years and the things that they have affected. I didn’t realize but my sex life has been somewhat affected, especially when I first lost my virginity. I think it’s definitely a subject that doesn’t come up too often but since our triggers are usually bodily sounds…how do people cope with this? I know some people who because of the fact that sex is a full body experience, they aren’t triggered during sex…But I am…to an extent.

My first boyfriend used to heavy breathe a lot during it and I would focus on that the entire time. I wouldn’t be triggered in the traditional way but I just couldn’t focus for the life of me….ever. I didn’t enjoy it. Let’s not forget about traditional sex sounds though. The sounds of sex you just can’t stop. They can easily resemble mouth noises and since we really don’t care where our triggers come from….I was surprised that I wasn’t triggered in the traditional Miso ways. I easily stopped kisses though; if they got too passionate I couldn’t deal with the lip smacking. I’ve quickly realized that for me, Misophonia can make a relationship a little bland.

I’m usually on a moderate level when triggered but for those who are more on the severe side, I think that sex is a no-no. It’s crazy to think about how there are people out there who can’t have sex because they have Misophonia. I mean you could use headphones but how awkward would that be? Especially when changing positions. But anyways, I’m getting really into this.

Is there anyone out there with this problem? No? just me? Alright. Carry on.

How People With Misophonia Think…

“I wonder who invented flip-flops. FUCKING ASSHOLE”

“I wonder who invented..FUCK…just chew with your mouth closed. Who raised you?!”

“I wish the world had a no gum chewing policy”

“Why can’t you just let the liquid come to you?!”

“Don’t sniffle, don’t sniffle, don’t…FUCK.”

“If that dog barks one more time!”

“This is never going to end. I have to go, have to go, have to go”

“Kill yourself. You’ll feel better”

“If he doesn’t stop, I’ll grab that pencil, jab it in his neck and then he’ll stop”

“Just breathe more quietly…PLEASE”

“Life sucks, life sucks. This is never going to get better”

“Why are you trying to talk to me while I have headphones in?”

“I love you but I will take your last breath if you don’t stop”

“I fucking hate you, I don’t know why I’m with you. You make every sound I hate.”

“If you love me, please stop”

“SHUT UP!”

“I wish I was deaf”