I Tried To Drown My Pain in Alcohol…

As the lovely Frida Kahlo once said:”I tried to drown my pain in alcohol, the fucker learned how to swim”. I’ve been going out a lot lately and I’ve realized that it’s both good and bad. Let’s start with the good. I have social anxiety, it’s undeniable. Getting myself out of my comfort zone is not easy and alcohol doesn’t actually help that, other people do. Every weekend I’ve been going out to parties, drinking, smoking(regular stuff) and just dancing my little dominican ass off. There’s also the fact that I think me being so isolated all the time makes my depression so much worse.

On to the bad. After my suicide attempt, I wasn’t allowed to drink alcohol and since I don’t have insurance, I’ve never checked backed to see how my liver is. I’ve been drinking at all the parties I’ve been to and while I don’t feel the need to throw up, I still feel like it has to be affecting me in some way. My heart races a lot more than usual and I get more of a buzz than I used to prior to that event.

On top of that, you run into a lot of issues when you go to parties. When people and alcohol mix, shit happens. Fights develop, some guys think they own you, etc. The thing that bothers me the most though is that it actually affects my anxiety a lot. It’s good for my depression in a way but it’s bad for my anxiety in a way. I really can’t tell if I’ve always just been anxious or if I’m really this obsessive about things. If i’m going somewhere, I like to know where and exactly what time I have to be there by. Being too early or too late is stressful as hell to me. A problem that I’ve encountered way too many times lately. Dominicans, latinos and well…minorities in general run on different clocks. The only people ever on time to a party are whites. Just being real.

I don’t want to drive myself nuts but I am striving to be somewhat normal for a person my age. So far it’s working, we’ll see how far this tequila takes me haha


How To Live A Year 30 Days At A Time…

I compiled a list of monthly challenges that I’m going to do for one year. It will keep me from being idle all of the time and/or from not having anything to plan or look up to. I am naturally a planner. I don’t particularly like surprises. I like to know where I’m going and what I’m doing before I do it. This is a list that could potentially help you! Try any or all of these with me. I’ll be updating you on how I did with those challenges. P.S. These aren’t in any particular order except for the first one. I’ll do each monthly challenge according to what else I’ll be doing that month.

Month 1: Read/Listen to two religious books. I am agnostic but religious books are really interesting to examine. Whether you’re a believer or not, religious books help you see how a society can be shaped because of them or people who share the same views as the people who wrote them. I chose the catholic bible and the Quran.

Month 2: Live a month without meat. This is a challenge that I sort of made up. A lot of people do 30 days as a vegetarian, vegan…etc. I know of very few people who actually complete these challenges because you quickly begin to miss your food. The way I’ll be doing this challenge is by splitting it into four weeks. The first week, I’ll eat a vegetarian diet. The second week, a paleo diet. The third week, I’ll have a vegan diet and the last week, I’ll go raw vegan.

Month 3: Meditate. I’ll meditate every day for a month.

Month 4: One photo a day. This is a very popular challenge and I’m hoping I actually complete it, given the fact that I don’t like taking repetitive pictures so I’m afraid I’ll just end up deleting it all.

Month 5: Cook a new meal every week for a month.

Month 6: Yoga Everyday For a Month. This is going to be really hard because I tried Yoga and I didn’t like it very much.

Month 7: Wreck This Journal. There is a series of books/journals and it’s basically a journal that already has stuff on it and every page tells you to do something new to the page.

Month 8: Go to therapy once a week for a month. 

Month 9: Watch a movie a day.

Month 10: Drink half your body weight of water. One pound equals one ounce.

Month 11: Get two small tattoos with large meaning. The idea is to get one done and wait two weeks for it to heal and then get another one done. It also gives you something to look forward to. One of my favorite ideas and one that I got done myself is a semicolon. Google semicolon tattoos if you don’t know what it means.

Month 12: Make awareness for a cause.  I’ll bring awareness to one cause per week for a month.

That is it. I’ll keep an update on each month and how it went. Stay Tuned. 🙂

How To Deal With Your Mental Illness

  • Be understanding

Understand your disorder, the reasons it may have developed, the fact that it affects other people and most importantly, it may never go away. The sooner you come to terms with it, the easier it will be for you to treat your illness as a necessary but not as a mandatory. There is a difference. Something that is mandatory has to be done because someone or something demands it. You want to do things because you deem them necessary, not anyone or anything else. You shouldn’t treat your disorder simply because you don’t want other people to judge.

  • Educate Yourself

A huge part of understanding your disorder is knowing what it actually is. Most mental illnesses do not have an exact why and don’t have an exact how when it comes to treatment. This still doesn’t mean you don’t have things to learn. Research outside and research within to figure out what role that disorder plays in your life.

  • Don’t use your illness as an excuse

You will have limits. There is no doubt about that. It doesn’t mean that it will limit your entire life or the people around you. It’s super easy to get lost in your head and forget that you’re not the only one with this and at the same time that not everyone has this. You cannot expect the entire world to cater to your disorder. It just won’t happen, so stop waiting for it. Ex. Not going to work because your depression is getting worse or is at a low. It’s okay if that happens a few times a year; but not all of the time. If it does, it means you’re not taking care of the illness and that is on you.

  • Have a support group outside family

Have a support group outside of your family. You know family will always be there but they won’t always understand every single aspect of your disorder. The only people that know what it’s like is people who have a specific illness. If you don’t want to physically meet these people, join support groups online. Some of the best are on Facebook.

  • Have a happy place

Whether physical or mental, you need a happy place. Having a mental illness is draining to say the least and being relaxed or at least keeping stress to a minimum can be really helpful in not relapsing. Stress is a trigger for a lot of problems; both physical and mental.

  • Have healthy relationships

If the person you are dating can’t deal with your mental illness, don’t try to make them; end it. If the person you are dating makes it a point to bring up your illness during fights, end it. It won’t work. Try not to date someone with the same mental illness as you. It’s counter intuitive. Ex. If you both have depression and end up in a low, who is going to help the other get back into a better mood? Illnesses aside, try to end relationships that give you a bad feeling; follow your intuition. Romantic relationships aren’t the only ones to worry about though. If you have other relationships that hurt you more than they help you, end them.

  • Love your mental illness

For whatever reason, some of us were given or earned mental illnesses. One thing is  almost always true about all mental illnesses; remnants of it will always exist. They can be a part of you as much as that teddy bear you still keep in adulthood even though you don’t play with it. The illness will give and take away. Love it for the things that it gives you.

Depression Oppression

  • Keep taking your medicine if you need it. Try adding medicine if you think you might benefit from it.
  • Keep busy
  • Contribute to your world. Ex. Volunteer
  • Avoid stressful jobs(most jobs can be stressful but try for the least)
  • Avoid unhealthy relationships. Ex. Relationships that make you doubt from the beginning, relationships where your partner doesn’t understand your disorder….etc.
  • Listen  to music that makes you happy
  • Write your bad feelings down on pieces of paper and then burn them. It helps you visualize what you should be trying to do inside.
  • Go to therapy once a month.
  • Get a healthy hobby
  • Save drinking for special occasions only.
  • Try to sleep however short or long is satisfying to you. No more, no less
  • Change what you see every once in a while. Travel… even locally. Explore!
  • Eat as healthy as you’re comfortable with. Just don’t make junk food your go to.
  • Exercise. Even a daily walk can be beneficial to your overall happiness
  • Make small goals for yourself and give yourself rewards for completing them.