As the lovely Frida Kahlo once said:”I tried to drown my pain in alcohol, the fucker learned how to swim”. I’ve been going out a lot lately and I’ve realized that it’s both good and bad. Let’s start with the good. I have social anxiety, it’s undeniable. Getting myself out of my comfort zone is not easy and alcohol doesn’t actually help that, other people do. Every weekend I’ve been going out to parties, drinking, smoking(regular stuff) and just dancing my little dominican ass off. There’s also the fact that I think me being so isolated all the time makes my depression so much worse.
On to the bad. After my suicide attempt, I wasn’t allowed to drink alcohol and since I don’t have insurance, I’ve never checked backed to see how my liver is. I’ve been drinking at all the parties I’ve been to and while I don’t feel the need to throw up, I still feel like it has to be affecting me in some way. My heart races a lot more than usual and I get more of a buzz than I used to prior to that event.
On top of that, you run into a lot of issues when you go to parties. When people and alcohol mix, shit happens. Fights develop, some guys think they own you, etc. The thing that bothers me the most though is that it actually affects my anxiety a lot. It’s good for my depression in a way but it’s bad for my anxiety in a way. I really can’t tell if I’ve always just been anxious or if I’m really this obsessive about things. If i’m going somewhere, I like to know where and exactly what time I have to be there by. Being too early or too late is stressful as hell to me. A problem that I’ve encountered way too many times lately. Dominicans, latinos and well…minorities in general run on different clocks. The only people ever on time to a party are whites. Just being real.
I don’t want to drive myself nuts but I am striving to be somewhat normal for a person my age. So far it’s working, we’ll see how far this tequila takes me haha