I gave it all away

My head ushers their names as if prayers on a rosary

Every step of the way had a meaning

I gave them life in a heart they no longer wanted

While I decayed from the strength it took to hold on


I gave him…my trust

Every inch of skin he never touched, he knew

He knew every thought and the prayers I didn’t pray to god but to whatever was controlling me


I gave him… my patience

He swarmed around me like a mosquito

I let him prick…until he drew blood


I gave HIM…my loyalty

Sworn in to love him and accept him

He couldn’t say it back


I gave Her…my unconditional love

The one I was saving for a child

I loved her for existing

She loved me for my reluctance to exist

Until she didn’t.


I’m writing this to help keep a potential panic attack at bay. It’s an homage to all the serious relationships I’ve been in and what I left with them. I can never get those things back because I exhausted them in those relationships. Every relationship needs a combination of those things and I no longer have them.


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