I am in utter shock and I don’t need someone to talk to but I guess this serves that purpose. The truth is I never do. What’s the good in talking about something you can’t change? I have never understood that and that’s the reason I’m of the people who need medicine in order to function. Today I was thinking about the fact that I have emotional attachments but I don’t remain as obsessive about “facts” as much as I used to. I was thinking about how I remember a lot of things about my most recent relationship but I had a brain fart and couldn’t remember her last name. I forget things a lot and it feels like every day I lose more and more of my ability to remember short term memories. But I digress. Since I had a brain fart and I knew it would last for a while, I decided to put her name in the Facebook bar. She has me blocked on the Facebook that she had when we broke up but and old one that she forgot her password to is still intact and appears. I knew this when looking for it. What I couldn’t anticipate is what happened next.
The first Facebook profile that appears had a profile picture of her and her ex before me. I became very confused but didn’t panic because I couldn’t believe that it was her. I clicked on it and realized that they were back together. Now, I hadn’t searched for her name in months because I knew I didn’t want to see anything that had to do with her. It would only make me worse. I had no idea this had happened but as soon as I saw it, I became distraught. I’m crying as I write this because I didn’t deserve it. I’ll manage to tell you all the relevant details so you can understand.
When we started talking as friends, I was still in a decaying relationship with someone and she was about to get married but constantly complaining about her stress level because she just wasn’t sure about doing something like that with someone that she just didn’t get along with anymore. As I got to know her better, I got to hear a lot about her relationship. Her girlfriend was physically/verbally abusive and made her feel as if her body wasn’t attractive. For the last years or months of the relationship her ex seemed to be in a depressive state, something that my ex couldn’t stand. She would spend all day in pajamas, not wash the dishes, want all her time dedicated to her and would not allow her to have female friends. I understood being in a depressive state but I definitely didn’t agree with the abuse.
Fast forward to us being together. I was still hung up on my ex while we were talking about a relationship but made a decision to stop trying to hold on to something that was gone and focus on being with her who was now newly single. I can’t remember a lot about the sequence of events. For some reason there are blank spots. If I were to tell you solely what I remember, you couldn’t understand. The basic thing is that we are very different people culturally and also let’s not forget my mental illness problems. We have to do a little flashback because this is relevant. One day when she was really upset and didn’t want to go home, I decided to take her to a nearby forest/park to help her calm down and think about something else. We talked about both of our problems and it came out that I had depression and was at that time very suicidal. She expressed that she didn’t want me to do that and that she “needed” me. Fast forward to the decay of our relationship.
We broke up after going to see her parents in another state. She was a person that got angry quickly and I was a person who got down quickly. I had had enough and I became angry as well. When I get angry, everyone can tell. I don’t think I know how to hide it and I don’t try to really. So we broke up because of my behavior there which I’m not proud of but I didn’t fight with her in front of her family and pretty much stayed to myself which she HATED. When we got back to our state, I tried everything to fix it. I mean weeks, perhaps months of trying and well she letting me try as well because when she wanted you to leave her alone….she could get it done. In those weeks/months my mental health reach a low it had never reached before and I get why now. I have tried my entire life to make people love me. My entire body rejects the idea that even if I am a good person, I can’t be loved. It refuses. I started doing very scary things towards the end. Like showing up unannounced at her house, begging her to see that I needed help but it wouldn’t go away just like that. It’s hard, very hard for a person who has had untreated mental problems for a decade or decades to get them under control.
Now, fast forward to my suicide attempt. This was my hardest breakup ever and I was just losing it. In my head then and in my head now….though not rational..I just think of telling her “why make me live for you, if you were just going to leave. I was suicidal but I didn’t feel this out of control”. I started crying at work and crying in front of anyone is like one of my biggest fears and it makes me uncomfortable. Thinking about the fact that I did that before makes me cringe. Asking for help is worst. That night we got off of work and I was so mad because I felt like she could forgive everyone BUT me. In all my anger though, I just wanted her to hug me. Not say anything or talk about anything. Just hug me. So I texted her just that and her tone became very angry and then she ignored me after I made it almost clear that I was suicidal. I even talked to a guy at work that knew us both about how I was feeling but he couldn’t help. Like I said(talking doesn’t help). I need physical touch. So I went to the store, bought the pills and I was so calm. I sat on my bed, put them all in piles of 10 and I slowly drank them.
I remember all this and it almost makes me want to do it all over again. My liver couldn’t possibly take round 2. I think about how sad it is that I was honest, that I tried to give her everything she needed but didn’t know, everything she voiced she needed and I tried to compromise. I wasn’t perfect and I was sick but I would have never hurt her as much as she’s hurting me. It’s not about whether or not she should have stayed with me. It’s about the fact that she didn’t look back when I told her I was going to kill myself that night. She didn’t look back when I said it again the day I had a breakdown and lost my job. But she could accept everything that her ex was and will ever be. The ex that only put herself first gets a second chance while I lost part of who I am to someone who appears to have never loved me and showed me the whole step of the way but I just didn’t accept it. It makes it hard to see because she tried. I know she tried, she just never could see me as more than that girl who helped her through her break up. I feel worthless and it’s not like anyone can tell me otherwise. These are the types of things that ruin someone for life. She ruined the part of me who still wanted to try. I give up.